Importance of Being Urnest Read online

  ‘I’m the one who took the collection money. It was only a loan, and we were already paying it back with Jack’s inheritance.’

  ‘Inheritance?’ I couldn’t help myself. ‘The man’s in his seventies. Who was he inheriting from?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Vickie said, turning to me. ‘Jack said it was an estranged relative.’

  ‘Like Pauly?’ Had Pauly given Jack the money from the bank robbery for safekeeping while he was in jail? If so, it explained why Pauly had shown up at the manor – and why he’d never truly left.

  Vickie’s eyes widened. ‘I don’t know. After you told me he was a gigolo, I started to think Jack had made it all up. That’s why I left that note in the collection plate. I knew I’d been duped like all those other women. But instead of giving Jack my money, I gave him the church’s.’

  The woman fell to her knees and grabbed Father Jim’s hand. ‘Can you ever forgive me?’

  For the embarrassment, probably not. ‘Ah, well, we’ll talk in private,’ Jim said, pulling back his hand and awkwardly patting her on the head before moving away. ‘There will have to be restitution, of course.’

  ‘Of course,’ she said, following him on her knees. ‘I can’t tell you how—’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ Sophie said. ‘Will you get up? You’re making an idiot of yourself.’

  As Vickie got to her feet, I decided to make a fresh pot of coffee and give Sarah a call.

  She wouldn’t want to miss the fun.

  ‘What’s the plan? Sarah asked.

  ‘Refills,’ I said, gesturing with the pot in my hand.

  ‘And then what?’ she hissed. ‘Here’s your coffee and would you like a jail term with that?’

  ‘I like that,’ I said. ‘But given I don’t know who did what, I probably shouldn’t threaten them. Yet.’

  ‘You know Hannah did something.’

  ‘Something, yes,’ I admitted. ‘I’m just not sure it’s everything.’ I took a deep breath. ‘Here I go. Wish me luck.’

  ‘Luck,’ Sarah said, and then took up the prime viewing spot behind the service window.

  Hannah was at a table with Mort, Sophie and Henry. Father Jim and Vickie, who was trailing him like a remorseful puppy, were at the next with Phyllis Goode, who’d just arrived with a woman I didn’t know.

  ‘Refill?’ I asked, my pot hovering over Hannah’s latte mug. While many of the gangers initially ordered espresso drinks, when time for refills came around they were happy to switch to free coffee.

  ‘Oh, thank you, Maggy,’ she said. ‘Maybe just half a cup. We have to be on our way soon.’

  ‘That’s right,’ I said. ‘Nancy’s service is this afternoon.’

  ‘It is,’ Mort said. ‘But we don’t really need to rush off, dear. Christy has everything under control.’

  I saw my opening. ‘She’s been quite the hire, hasn’t she? I understand Christy is already assisting with cremations. She was telling me the most interesting thing—’

  ‘Christy’s quite the worker,’ Mort said, throwing an uneasy look at Hannah. ‘Though given the recent losses, I’m not sure the rest of our assembly here wants to hear about the particulars of her progress.’

  ‘I do,’ Sarah volunteered from the window.

  ‘Oh, dear,’ Vickie said uncomfortably. ‘I don’t think that—’

  But Sophie had her head cocked, eyes narrowed. She knew I was up to something. ‘It’s always interesting to hear what Maggy has to say. Isn’t it, Henry?’

  She elbowed him and he jumped as the bells on the platform door jingled. ‘Yes, yes, of course.’

  Father Jim didn’t offer an opinion, nor Hannah, who’d you expect to be the most squeamish given her recent loss.

  I set my pot down on the next table. ‘It’s just the most interesting field. For one thing, I had no idea there was a forty-eight-hour waiting period before a cremation can be done. Though I guess that can be waived if there’s a reason, like a communicable disease, as was done in Celeste’s case.’

  ‘The old lady had a communicable disease?’ This was from Sarah at the window. ‘She peed all over that chair.’ She pointed to the one Dr Goode’s friend was seated on.

  I held up my hands as the woman started to get up uncertainly. ‘No, no – Sarah has it wrong. It was Celeste’s friend, Nancy … What was Nancy’s last name, Hannah?’

  ‘Casperson,’ Hannah supplied. She was staring into her cup.

  ‘Yes, Nancy Casperson who had the accident. But it’s so easy to confuse people, isn’t it?’

  ‘I beg to differ,’ Mort said, a little indignantly. ‘Hannah’s mother Celeste and Nancy couldn’t have been more different.’

  ‘You’re right in a way,’ I conceded. ‘Celeste was the one with money who took great care with her appearance – fashionable clothes and full makeup every time she went out. Hannah even joked her mother had newer breasts than she did.’

  Celeste’s daughter tried to raise a smile and failed. She knew where I was heading.

  ‘Now Celeste’s friend, Nancy,’ I continued, ‘was more no-nonsense. A numbers person who dressed in comfortable, flowing clothes and didn’t bother with makeup.’

  I pulled a chair over and turned it around to straddle it like Pavlik had done in the kitchen of my house. ‘Which is why I was surprised when Christy told me that it was Nancy whose silicone implants had to be removed before cremation yesterday.’

  Mort gave it another go. ‘I don’t think this is proper conversation, especially given Hannah’s recent losses.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said to Hannah. ‘You’ve been through so much in … was it just five days between Nancy and Celeste’s deaths?’

  ‘That’s right,’ Mort said crisply. ‘Celeste on Sunday and Nancy this past Thursday.’

  ‘You see, I keep going over that, but that’s where I’m having the problem.’ I was rubbing my chin. ‘We know Celeste had breast implants, but Nancy—’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Hannah burst out. ‘So both of them had breast implants. So what?’

  ‘But that’s the thing,’ I said. ‘Christy says Celeste didn’t.’

  Mort sat back. ‘Christy wouldn’t know that. She’s—’

  ‘Very eager to learn,’ I said. ‘She talked the technicians into letting her—’

  ‘No, no.’ Mort looked apoplectic. ‘The breasts … I mean, the implants would have been removed before cremation, of course. Christy couldn’t have known that.’

  ‘In fact, she could. She watched the body preparation and was pretty emphatic that there were no implants. She was also surprised that nobody told them about Nancy’s breast implants until the last minute.’ I turned to the rest of the gang. ‘Apparently, silicone makes a terrible mess in the cremator if they’re not removed.’

  ‘Not something the little clean freak would likely forget,’ Sarah said.

  ‘You’re right,’ I said. ‘What we’re left with is two women – one is rich and has breast implants. The other is of more modest means and has none.’

  ‘But,’ Sarah piped up from the window, causing everybody to turn her way, ‘the bodies were just the other way around, right?’

  ‘Right.’ They twisted back my way. ‘It made me wonder if it really was Celeste who died on Sunday. We’ll never know, of course, because Mort cremated the body before the forty-eight-hour period.’

  ‘Mort?’ This was from Dr Goode. ‘Is this true?’

  ‘Well, I …’

  ‘He put you in a tough position, didn’t he?’ I asked. ‘Apparent natural death of an old woman, family just moved to town. Why wouldn’t you agree to sign off on the death certificate when an old friend asks you to?’

  ‘Because I wasn’t an idiot.’ The doctor’s eyes were shooting daggers at her old friend. ‘But apparently I am. How could you put me in this position, Mort?’

  ‘There was nothing suspicious about my mother’s death.’ Hannah had finally decided to enter the fray.

  ‘But there was.’
Quietly, from Vickie at the next table.

  All heads swiveled.

  ‘No!’ Hannah said. ‘She’s just saying that because her “friend” was trying to blackmail me. But all I did—’

  ‘No.’ Mort put a hand on hers. ‘All we did was …’ He seemed not to be able to articulate it.

  I could. ‘You switched them. It was Nancy who died on Sunday and Celeste on Thursday.’

  ‘But why?’ This was from Dr Goode’s friend, who seemed to be getting into it.

  ‘Money, what else?’ I nodded toward Hannah. ‘Your mother was wealthy but had everything tied up in a trust with Nancy as the successor trustee. You needed money.’

  ‘We all needed money,’ Hannah burst out. ‘My mother was fine with spending it on herself – on her clothes and wigs and cosmetic surgery – but she had no idea how much it cost to run a house. And then, to make matters worse, she started to lose it mentally.’

  ‘Alzheimer’s?’

  She flung out her hands. ‘Dementia of some kind, I assume. Not that she would see a doctor.’

  ‘Did you really want her to?’ I asked. ‘Or were you fine with your mother just fading away mentally? Except there was the money.’

  ‘I loved my mother.’

  ‘Wait.’ Sophie was waving her hand. ‘We saw Nancy at Celeste’s funeral.’

  I smiled. ‘You should be able to answer that one, Sophie. You’re the one who told me all old ladies look alike.’

  The hand went down. ‘I did.’

  ‘Think about it,’ I said. ‘Dress Celeste in a shapeless dress, no wig, no makeup.’

  ‘She’d be Nancy,’ Sophie said. ‘You’re right.’

  Damn right, I was right. ‘With the dementia progressing, Celeste couldn’t even tell us who she was. And if she had, we wouldn’t have believed her. At the funeral she confused Jack Andersen with Dr Goode, who’d prescribed her a sedative.’

  ‘I didn’t prescribe anything,’ Dr Goode said.

  ‘I just said that,’ Hannah said, ‘to explain mother’s confusion.’

  ‘Nancy had been a sharp woman. You used the drugs and grief to explain why she wasn’t herself. And succeeded, largely. But then you were blackmailed.’

  ‘By Jack,’ Vickie said. ‘Though I’m to blame.’ She looked like she’d throw herself at Jim’s feet again if she weren’t sitting across the table from him.

  ‘How did Jack know the identities had been switched?’ I asked, and then it dawned on me. ‘You’d been to the house and seen the real Nancy and Celeste the night before. In fact, you were the only person who’d seen the two women, right?’

  ‘They were pretty much housebound,’ Father Jim said. ‘Or so we were told.’

  Hannah shrunk under his glare. ‘It’s true that my mother wasn’t well and Nancy didn’t like going out. You have to believe that none of this was planned.’

  Sarah was not going to let me forget this. She’d had Hannah pegged from the very beginning.

  ‘When I found Nancy dead and called Mort to come over,’ she was saying, ‘he wasn’t certain at first whose body it was.’

  ‘And that gave you the idea.’

  She hung her head. ‘With Mother dead, we’d have access to the trust.’

  ‘And with Nancy alive,’ Sophie said, ‘you’d also get her social security. A two-fer.’

  ‘Well, yes.’ The head didn’t go up.

  ‘You went along with this, Mort?’ Dr Goode couldn’t believe it.

  ‘I … well, Hannah asked me to.’

  ‘Doesn’t hurt that she’s twenty years younger than you, I’ll wager,’ Sophie said.

  Henry sighed. ‘Many a man has been led astray by a younger woman.’

  Sophie slapped him.

  But back to our dramatic reveal. ‘After Celeste’s death, things started to go awry. First, Jack and Vickie tried to blackmail you.’

  Vickie looked about to object and then thought better of it. The woman had stolen from a church and been a co-conspirator in a blackmail scheme. Not a good day.

  Hannah nodded. ‘Jack called Sunday night and said he knew it was Nancy who was dead. He also knew that she was wealthy.’ Hannah threw a dark look at Vickie. ‘He demanded fifty thousand dollars to keep his mouth shut.’

  ‘Which is why it was so important that I go to the lawyer with you and convince Bernie to let you get into the trust fund. Only problem was Bernie is ethical and Celeste was stubborn. She refused to sign Nancy’s name.’

  ‘So, after all this, Hannah couldn’t get access to the money?’ Father Jim had finally been sucked in.

  ‘Nope,’ I said. ‘Not as long as “Nancy” lived.’

  ‘She had to die.’ This from Vickie.

  All eyes – including Mort’s – turned on Hannah. She held up her hands. ‘I didn’t kill my mother. I would never do that.’

  ‘Yet she was murdered,’ I said. ‘Smothered with a pillow and the pillowcase was removed from the crime scene. It had lipstick on it.’

  A single tear ran down Hannah’s cheek. ‘Mother loved her lipstick. First thing she did when I brought her home after our meeting at Bernie’s was sit down at the vanity and try to put it on.’

  So the lipstick hadn’t just been part of the attempt to keep me quiet. But something else Hannah had said bothered me. ‘Jack called you on Sunday night?’

  ‘Yes.’ She took a handkerchief from Mort.

  ‘But there had been no funeral – not even the cremation.’ I swiveled to Mort. ‘Who would have seen the body?’

  He sat back. ‘Only me and one of my people who’s been with me for years.’

  ‘Then how could Jack know it wasn’t Celeste who had died?’

  Vickie wouldn’t look at me.

  The redhead said she’d seen Celeste in the living room the night she’d met with Nancy. Even that Celeste was all decked out – a fashionista, I thought she’d called her.

  When Celeste/Nancy saw Vickie and Jack at the funeral, she mistook him for a doctor. Why?

  ‘So Jack was with you that night?’ I asked Vickie. ‘The night you met with Nancy about the Angel of Mercy’s books?’

  This seemed to be news to Father Jim. ‘You met with Nancy to go through the books the night before she died?’

  ‘She … umm, she left you a message about some discrepancies and I … um, happened to see it. I went there to try to set her mind at ease.’

  ‘By killing her?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘No, of course not.’ Vickie’s face was as red as her hair.

  ‘Wait,’ Jim said, holding up his hands. ‘The money you’ve confessed to stealing was cash from the collection plates. There would be no discrepancies – the money just wouldn’t be there. Are you telling me you pilfered more?’

  She nodded, and tears slipped over and ran down both cheeks.

  ‘How much?’

  ‘Umm, maybe twenty?’

  ‘Twenty …?’

  ‘Thousand.’

  ‘You stole twenty thousand dollars from my church?’ The fire and brimstone in Jim’s voice would have made God (the Old Testament, testy version) proud.

  I held up my hand. ‘I’m not sure that’s the worst of it, Jim.’

  ‘You think they killed Nancy?’ Hannah asked, looking relieved at being off the hook for this part, at least. ‘But how? She was alive after they left.’

  There was Celeste/Nancy’s comment about a doctor at the funeral. Something about shots and headaches? ‘Did you give her something?’ I asked Vickie. ‘A shot?’

  ‘No, not me.’ She was sniffling. ‘But Nancy had a headache and Jack said he had something that could help.’

  I felt my eyes go wide and my brow, thankfully, furrow. ‘He injected Botox? I turned to Dr Goode. ‘Could that have killed her?’

  The good doctor seemed to be wondering what she’d stepped into. Her friend, on the other hand, was having a grand time. It was she who answered. ‘In high enough doses, yes.’

  ‘Who are you?’ Sophie demanded.

  �
�Pharmaceutical rep,’ the woman said. ‘Botox – in addition to its cosmetic use in low doses – is very effective in treating headaches. Like any other drug, though, it can be deadly if misused.

  ‘What would the symptoms of overdose be?’ the doctor asked.

  Botulinum toxin is systemic, so it enters the bloodstream and spreads to all the muscles. It takes a tiny needle, so it can be injected anywhere.’

  ‘Making it hard to find the site?’ Mort asked.

  ‘Yes. And the other thing is that it could take hours or even days for the victim to die. Symptoms would include things like weakness, blurred vision, trouble swallowing and breathing, maybe hoarseness, loss of bladder control—’

  ‘Bingo,’ Sarah said.

  ‘Then it might present as natural death?’ Dr Goode looked both relieved and horrified.

  ‘And one following a flu-like illness.’

  ‘But you must have known,’ Hannah said to Vickie. ‘You might not have realized what he was doing. But after the fact, and when he started to blackmail me, why didn’t you speak up?’

  Vickie’s own Botox couldn’t fight the lines in her face. ‘I was so scared.’ The words barely came out. ‘And the blackmail – well, you were a criminal, too, switching those two old women.’

  ‘And that made it OK?’ Father Jim demanded.

  ‘No, of course not.’

  ‘What about Celeste?’ I asked. ‘I mean the real Celeste. Did he kill her, too?’

  ‘I think so.’ Vickie’s voice was raspy and low. ‘He said he’d seen Hannah drop Celeste off at home and go on to the mortuary. He knew somehow that the back door would be open. I think … I think maybe he snuck over.’

  That day at Clare’s, Hannah had called back to Mort that she’d left the back door unlocked, before nearly colliding with Jack. He would have heard.

  ‘But why?’ Hannah asked. ‘Why kill my mother?’

  Vickie swallowed hard, blinking back tears. ‘When she mistook him for a doctor at the funeral, he decided that she had seen him inject Nancy. I tried to tell him that she was just a confused old lady and nobody would pay any attention to what she said, but he … he called her a loose end.’

  A strangled sob from Hannah.

  ‘So he killed her,’ I said.